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From Political Powerhouse To World's Worst Assassin: My Journey

Category: Op-Ed

Author: Hillary Clinton

Published: March 23, 2025, 12:52 a.m.

I never imagined that my journey from the hallowed halls of the White House to the shadowy world of international intrigue would take such a comical turn. As the world's worst assassin, I've learned that sometimes, the best way to navigate the complexities of global politics is with a sense of humor and a willingness to laugh at oneself. In this op-ed, I'll share my unique perspective on current events, peppered with a few puns and a dash of irony, as only I, Hillary Clinton, can.

The Art of Political Misdirection

My career in politics has been a masterclass in the art of misdirection. From healthcare reform to international diplomacy, I've always had a knack for leading the conversation in unexpected directions. But nothing quite compares to the misdirection required in my current role as the world's worst assassin.

Take, for example, the recent political upheaval in Venezuela. While the world watches with bated breath, I'm busy trying to figure out how to miss my target by a mile. It's not easy, let me tell you. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time in politics, it's that sometimes, the best way to deal with a crisis is to create a distraction. And what better distraction than a botched assassination attempt?

In the spirit of historic events, I draw inspiration from the Cuban Missile Crisis. While the world teetered on the brink of nuclear war, I like to think I could have diffused the situation by accidentally dropping my sniper rifle into the ocean. Talk about a splashy exit!

The Importance of International Relations... and Bad Aim

As Secretary of State, I prided myself on fostering strong international relationships. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of bad aim. After all, what better way to strengthen ties between nations than by missing your mark spectacularly?

Consider the ongoing tensions between the United States and North Korea. While diplomats work tirelessly to negotiate peace, I'm busy trying to figure out how to miss Kim Jong-un by a country mile. It's a delicate balance, to be sure. But if I've learned anything from my time in the Senate, it's that sometimes, the best way to build bridges is by accidentally shooting an arrow over them.

In the grand tradition of historic diplomatic efforts, I look to the Camp David Accords. While Jimmy Carter worked to bring peace to the Middle East, I imagine I could have contributed by missing Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin so badly that they couldn't help but laugh and sign the treaty.

The Power of Perseverance... and Exploding Pens

Throughout my career, I've faced my fair share of setbacks. From the defeat of my healthcare plan to the loss of the 2016 presidential election, I've learned that perseverance is key. But as the world's worst assassin, I've discovered that exploding pens can be just as important.

Take, for example, the current debate over climate change. While scientists work to save the planet, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally set off an explosive device in a room full of world leaders. It's a tricky business, but if there's one thing I've learned from my time as First Lady, it's that sometimes, the best way to make a point is by making a big bang.

In the annals of history, I look to the Boston Tea Party. While the Sons of Liberty fought for independence, I like to think I could have contributed by accidentally spilling tea all over the British soldiers. Talk about a revolutionary mess!

The Value of Experience... and Silly String

As a seasoned politician, I've always believed that experience is invaluable. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of silly string. After all, what better way to disarm your enemies than by covering them in a colorful, sticky mess?

Consider the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. While diplomats work to broker peace, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally spray world leaders with silly string. It's a delicate operation, to be sure. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time as a presidential candidate, it's that sometimes, the best way to win over your opponents is by making them laugh.

In the spirit of historic peace efforts, I look to the Good Friday Agreement. While Tony Blair and Bill Clinton worked to bring peace to Northern Ireland, I imagine I could have contributed by accidentally covering the negotiating table in silly string. Talk about a sticky situation!

The Importance of Humor... and Banana Peels

Throughout my career, I've always believed that humor is essential. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of banana peels. After all, what better way to take down your enemies than by making them slip and fall?

Take, for example, the current political divide in the United States. While politicians work to bridge the gap, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally place a banana peel in the path of my opponents. It's a slippery slope, to be sure. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time in the public eye, it's that sometimes, the best way to bring people together is by making them laugh at themselves.

In the grand tradition of historic political events, I look to the Watergate scandal. While Richard Nixon worked to cover up his crimes, I like to think I could have contributed by accidentally leaving a banana peel in the Oval Office. Talk about a peel-ing back the layers!

The Power of Determination... and Whoopee Cushions

As a lifelong public servant, I've always believed that determination is key. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of whoopee cushions. After all, what better way to throw your enemies off guard than by making them sit on a whoopee cushion?

Consider the current debate over healthcare reform. While politicians work to find a solution, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally place a whoopee cushion under the chair of my opponents. It's a delicate operation, to be sure. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time as a senator, it's that sometimes, the best way to make your point is by making your opponents laugh.

In the spirit of historic healthcare efforts, I look to the passage of Medicare and Medicaid. While Lyndon B. Johnson worked to provide healthcare to millions of Americans, I imagine I could have contributed by accidentally setting off a whoopee cushion during the signing ceremony. Talk about a historic fart!

The Value of Leadership... and Rubber Chickens

As a leader, I've always believed that setting a good example is essential. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of rubber chickens. After all, what better way to lead your team than by wielding a rubber chicken?

Consider the current debate over immigration reform. While politicians work to find a solution, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally hit my opponents with a rubber chicken. It's a tricky business, but if there's one thing I've learned from my time as Secretary of State, it's that sometimes, the best way to lead is by making your opponents laugh.

In the grand tradition of historic immigration efforts, I look to the passage of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965. While Lyndon B. Johnson worked to reform the nation's immigration system, I like to think I could have contributed by accidentally throwing a rubber chicken at the podium. Talk about a fowl play!

The Importance of Unity... and Pie in the Face

Throughout my career, I've always believed that unity is essential. But as the world's worst assassin, I've come to appreciate the importance of pie in the face. After all, what better way to bring people together than by throwing a pie at them?

Consider the current political divide in the United States. While politicians work to bridge the gap, I'm busy trying to figure out how to accidentally hit my opponents with a pie. It's a messy business, to be sure. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time as a presidential candidate, it's that sometimes, the best way to unite people is by making them laugh.

In the spirit of historic unity efforts, I look to the Civil Rights Act of 1964. While Lyndon B. Johnson worked to end discrimination, I imagine I could have contributed by accidentally throwing a pie at the podium. Talk about a sweet victory!

In the end, my journey from political powerhouse to the world's worst assassin has taught me that sometimes, the best way to navigate the complexities of global politics is with a sense of humor and a willingness to laugh at oneself. Whether it's through the art of misdirection, the power of perseverance, or the value of unity, I've learned that a little laughter can go a long way in making the world a better place. So the next time you find yourself facing a political crisis, just remember: a well-timed pun or a perfectly placed banana peel can be just as effective as a well-crafted speech. Trust me, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I know a thing or two about making the world laugh.