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Biden's Calisthenics: A Presidential Workout For The Ages

Category: Op-Ed

Author: Joe Biden

Published: March 23, 2025, 12:35 a.m.

As I, {{Joe Biden}}, stand before you, I'm not just the 46th President of the United States; I'm also your friendly neighborhood calisthenics instructor. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Joe, how can a man who's famous for falling up the stairs be a calisthenics guru?" Well, my friends, it's all about turning those stumbles into strides, and those trips into triumphs. In this op-ed, I'll guide you through the Biden calisthenics regime, a workout plan that not only keeps you fit but also keeps you laughing. So, let's dive into the current state of the world and see how a bit of exercise and humor can make it all better.

The Biden Burpee: A Political Push-Up

In today's world, where political tension is as high as the national debt, we need a workout that can match the intensity. Enter the Biden Burpee. This isn't your average burpee; it's a burpee with a twist, much like my political career. Start with a standard burpee, but when you jump up, shout out a policy you believe in. Whether it's "Infrastructure!" or "Climate Change!", let your voice be heard as you get your heart rate up.

I remember back in 2021, when we were all dealing with the aftermath of the pandemic, the American Rescue Plan was our Biden Burpee. It was a leap of faith, a jump to action that helped us get back on our feet. Just like a burpee, it was tough, but it got the job done. And let me tell you, nothing beats the feeling of landing a solid policy burpee, except maybe landing on the White House lawn after a particularly enthusiastic one.

The Stair-Climbing Scandal: Turning Falls into Fitness

Now, let's talk about the elephant in the room—or should I say, the president on the stairs. My infamous stair-climbing incidents have become the stuff of legend, but I'm here to tell you that they're not just a source of amusement; they're a workout. The Biden Stair-Climb is simple: find a set of stairs, preferably one with cameras around, and start climbing. But here's the twist: every time you stumble, you must laugh it off and keep going.

This exercise is not just about physical fitness; it's about mental resilience. Think about the times we've stumbled as a nation—Watergate, the 2008 financial crisis, the Capitol riot on January 6, 2021. Each time, we've had to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep climbing. And just like my stair-climbing, it's not always graceful, but it's always determined.

The Infrastructure Plank: Building a Stronger America, One Plank at a Time

In 2021, we passed the Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act, a monumental piece of legislation that aimed to rebuild America. But did you know that you can also build your core strength with the Infrastructure Plank? It's simple: get into a plank position, hold it for as long as you can, and think about all the bridges, roads, and tunnels you're helping to construct with your sheer willpower.

Just like the act itself, the Infrastructure Plank is about endurance and perseverance. It's about holding steady, even when the going gets tough. And let me tell you, there's nothing more satisfying than holding a plank for longer than you thought possible, just like watching those infrastructure projects come to life.

The Climate Squat: Saving the Planet, One Squat at a Time

Climate change is the existential threat of our time, and it's time we did something about it. Enter the Climate Squat. This isn't just any squat; it's a squat that's powered by your commitment to saving the planet. As you lower yourself down, think about reducing your carbon footprint. As you rise back up, imagine renewable energy sources springing up across the country.

Back in 2022, when we signed the Inflation Reduction Act, we took a significant step towards combating climate change. It was a moment of triumph, much like the feeling you get after a solid set of Climate Squats. And just like that act, every squat you do is a step towards a cleaner, greener future.

The Democracy Dip: Strengthening Our Nation's Core Values

Democracy is the bedrock of our nation, and it's something we must work to maintain. That's where the Democracy Dip comes in. This exercise is all about flexibility and balance, much like the delicate dance of maintaining a healthy democracy. Start in a standing position, then bend down and touch your toes, all while thinking about the importance of free and fair elections.

In 2020, when we faced the election that brought me to the presidency, it was a test of our democratic values. It was a moment where we had to bend but not break, much like the Democracy Dip. And just like that exercise, our democracy came out stronger on the other side.

The Economic Lunge: Stepping Forward into Prosperity

The economy is always on everyone's mind, and it's no different for me. That's why I've developed the Economic Lunge, an exercise that's all about taking big steps forward towards prosperity. Start in a standing position, then lunge forward, imagining each step as a stride towards economic recovery.

When we passed the American Rescue Plan in 2021, it was like taking a giant economic lunge. It was a bold move that helped us get back on our feet after the economic downturn caused by the pandemic. And just like that plan, the Economic Lunge is about taking action and moving forward.

The Biden Bounce: A Leap of Faith for the Future

Finally, we come to the Biden Bounce, a workout that's all about optimism and looking towards the future. This is a simple jumping jack, but with a twist: every time you jump, shout out something you're hopeful for. Whether it's "Peace in the Middle East!" or "A cure for cancer!", let your hopes and dreams fuel your workout.

In 2021, when we rejoined the Paris Climate Agreement, it was a Biden Bounce moment. It was a leap of faith towards a better future, a commitment to doing our part to combat climate change. And just like that agreement, the Biden Bounce is about taking action today for a better tomorrow.

The Biden Calisthenics Revolution: A Workout for All Americans

So there you have it, my friends. The Biden Calisthenics Revolution is here, and it's ready to transform not just your body, but your outlook on life. In a world that's often filled with division and uncertainty, a good workout can be the perfect antidote. And who better to lead you through it than a president who's not afraid to fall up the stairs, but always gets back up with a smile?

As we face the challenges of today, from climate change to economic recovery, let's remember that we're all in this together. And just like my calisthenics routine, we can turn those stumbles into strides and those trips into triumphs. So, lace up your sneakers, put on your favorite workout playlist, and let's get moving. After all, as I always say, "Let's finish the job!"