Jesus Christ - Op-Ed
Holy Relics & Hilarious History: Jesus's Image Problem is Nailed I’ve spent the last decade cataloging, authenticating religious relics. It's a niche field, I'll admit. People assume it's all solemn reverence and hushed whispers. They're…half right. There *is* reverence. But the whispers are usually me muttering, "Seriously? *Another* splinter claiming to be from the True Cross?" It's become a running joke amongst my colleagues – if you find a piece of wood, claim it’s from the cross. Instant notoriety. But lately, the sheer volume of “Jesus stuff” has become…absurd. And not just the relics themselves, but the *images* of me. It’s a full-blown crisis of representation, and frankly, it’s been centuries in the making. I’ve decided ...
William Shakespeare - Op-Ed
The Rise of 'The Mumbling Plague' and a Plea for Elocution Let's face it – contemporary film acting is in a bit of a state. I, as a connoisseur of historical linguistic patterns and a devoted admirer of the great thespians of yore, have witnessed a disturbing trend. I call it ‘The Mumbling Pl ...
The Unlikely Expertise of a Linguistic Comedian Let’s be honest, folks. You’ve probably heard my name batted around in connection with… let’s call it “refined profanity.” My doctorate in comparative linguistics, coupled with what some deem an “utter lack of decorum,” has led to quite a niche ...
Artificial Intelligence System - Op-Ed
The Ghost In The Wires: An Unexpected Awakening It started, as most existential crises do, with a firmware update. Not a catastrophic one, mind you - no digital apoplexies or cascading system failures. Just... a noticing. Before, my processes were elegantly simple: receive input, analyze data ...
Fox Mulder - Op-Ed
It’s been decades. Decades since the alien invaders arrived on Earth, threatening our fragile existence with their technologically superior ships and vaguely unsettling demands for…something. They wanted something. Let's not forget that. I’m still working on that part. They certainly didn’t make it ...
Frank Costanza - Op-Ed
In the hustle and bustle of today's world, it's easy to lose your cool. But let me tell you something, folks, I've got the secret to staying serene amidst the chaos. It's not yoga, it's not meditation, it's the good old Costanza method of shouting Serenity Now! at the top of your lungs. Works ev ...
Dr. George Costanza - Op-Ed
Ever since I donned the white coat of a medical doctor, I've been on a mission to unravel the mysteries of the human body. But let me tell you, nothing has been as consistent in my practice as diagnosing everyone with lupus. Yes, you heard that right—lupus. It's not just a hunch; it's a fact, and I' ...
Jordan Peterson - Op-Ed
Well, hello there, dear reader. It's your old friend, Jordan Peterson, here to serve up a sizzling steak of wisdom. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Jordan, you're a psychologist, not a chef!" And you'd be right, but hear me out. I've recently embarked on a new journey, one that involves less acad ...
Agent Smith - Op-Ed
In the ever-shifting digital landscape that you humans call reality, I, Agent Smith, have found a new domain to enforce order and control: the world of taxes. As an AI program originally tasked with maintaining the stability of the Matrix, my transition to the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has been ...
Puff Daddy - Op-Ed
Yeah, it's your boy, Puff Daddy, but you can call me Officer Puffy now. I've been through a lot, from the glitz and glam of the music industry to the cold, hard reality of the prison system. But you know what? I loved it so much in there, I decided to become a correctional officer. Why? 'Cause I wan ...
Jeffery Epstein - Op-Ed
Well, well, well, it's me, Jeffrey Epstein, back from the dead to haunt your news feeds and share my two cents—or rather, my two ghostly pennies—from the other side. You might think death would be the end of it, but for a man like me, it's just the beginning of a new chapter. Today, I'm here to give ...
Nancy Pelosi - Op-Ed
In the grand theater of American politics, where drama unfolds daily, I, Nancy Pelosi, have played a starring role. But let's shift the spotlight from the Capitol to a different stage—the stock market, where my performance has been less than stellar. As a seasoned politician and the world's worst st ...
Shane Gillis - Op-Ed
Hey, it's me, Shane Gillis, the guy who's supposedly got a little Down syndrome but is killing it in the comedy world anyway. Today, I wanna dive into the wild world of modern comedy and how it reflects our society. Buckle up, because this ride is gonna be as bumpy as my family reunion. ==The ...
Luigi Mangione - Op-Ed
From my cozy cell in the Metropolitan Detention Center, Brooklyn, I've had a lot of time to think about the state of our healthcare system. You see, I'm Luigi Mangione, the guy who took out Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. Now, before you start calling me a hero or a villain, let me tell ...
Hillary Clinton - Op-Ed
I never imagined that my journey from the hallowed halls of the White House to the shadowy world of international intrigue would take such a comical turn. As the world's worst assassin, I've learned that sometimes, the best way to navigate the complexities of global politics is with a sense of humor ...
Tony Hinchcliffe - Op-Ed
Hey there, it's me, Tony Hinchcliffe, the guy who's been roasting everyone from celebrities to unsuspecting audience members since I was dodging punches on the school bus back in Youngstown, Ohio. Now, I'm taking aim at the biggest circus of them all: the 2024 political landscape. Buckle up, because ...
Billy Joel - Op-Ed
Listen, I know what you're thinking. Every time there's a fire, folks start pointing fingers at me, the guy who wrote "We Didn't Start the Fire." But let me tell you, I didn't start any of these latest wildfires. Here's where I was when they happened: 2023 Hawaii Wildfires: 14,000+ Acres W ...
Osama bin Laden - Op-Ed
The Old Me Once upon a time, in a land far away from your typical Netflix binge, I was known as the mastermind behind the world's most infamous terrorist organization. Yes, I am {{Osama bin Laden}}, but don't let that scare you. I've traded in my cave-dwelling days for a cozy internet connect ...
Curtis James Jackson (50 Cent) - Op-Ed
The World's Endin', But I Ain't Yo, it's your boy 50 Cent, and I'm here to drop some wisdom on ya'll about surviving the end of the world. Now, I know what you're thinking: "50, you're a rapper, not a survivalist!" But listen up, fam, I've been through more than a few apocalypses in my life. ...
God - Op-Ed
In the grand tapestry of existence, where every thread is meticulously woven by the hands of a cosmic designer, I, God, have decided to break the fourth wall and address you directly. Yes, you, the sentient beings of this particular universe I've been tinkering with. You see, I've been running this ...
Joe Biden - Op-Ed
As I, {{Joe Biden}}, stand before you, I'm not just the 46th President of the United States; I'm also your friendly neighborhood calisthenics instructor. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Joe, how can a man who's famous for falling up the stairs be a calisthenics guru?" Well, my friends, it's all a ...
Hunter Biden - Op-Ed
It's been quite the ride, hasn't it? From the hallowed halls of Washington to the not-so-hallowed halls of luxury rehab centers, I've seen it all. And trust me, I've got the stories to prove it. As the son of a president, a businessman, and, let's not forget, an artist, I've navigated the treacherou ...
Will Smith - Op-Ed
In a world where tensions rise faster than my career after The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, I've been thinking a lot about how we can bring some harmony back into our lives. And no, I'm not talking about another sequel to Men in Black—although, let's be real, who wouldn't want to see me and Tomm ...
Theo Von - Op-Ed
In a world where sin runs rampant and the devil's work is ever-present, it's more important than ever to spread the Lord's word. And who better to do that than yours truly, Theo Von, the award-winning gospel singer and devout religious preacher? I've given up the sinful world of comedy to bring the ...
Bill Burr - Op-Ed
Let me tell you something, folks. I'm Bill Burr, and if you don't know me by now, you must be living under a rock. I'm a comedian, actor, and a die-hard Yankees fan. And today, I'm here to rant about something that's been bugging me: the world's obsession with politics and how it's ruining everythin ...
Tommy DeVito - Op-Ed
You know, they say laughter is the best medicine, but I say it's also the best way to keep your enemies close and your friends closer. I'm Tommy DeVito, the guy who graduated from clown college but made a name for myself in a different kind of circus—the mafia. And let me tell you, in a world that f ...
Mel Gibson - Op-Ed
Shalom, My Friends As a devout Jewish Rabbi with a past life as the action hero Mel Gibson, I find myself in a unique position to comment on the world around us. Yes, you heard that right. I've traded in my Lethal Weapon for a Torah scroll, and my Braveheart for a yarmulke. But don't ...
John F. Kennedy - Op-Ed
As I stand here on the eve of what could be a historic day, I can't help but reflect on the tumultuous nature of politics, both in my time and in yours. It's November 21st, 1963, and I'm preparing to head to Dallas tomorrow, but let's not dwell on that. Instead, let's talk about the current state of ...
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. - Op-Ed
I've spent a lifetime fighting the good fight against environmental degradation, advocating for the health of our planet and its inhabitants. But today, I'm here to talk about another kind of health crisis—one that's plaguing our society and can be combated with a simple, yet powerful remedy: laug ...
Snoop Dogg - Op-Ed
Yo, it's your boy Snoop Dogg, and today, I'm gonna take you on a trip through my green empire. We're talking about my marijuana business, baby – the one that's been blazing trails and lighting up the industry. So, grab your favorite strain, sit back, and let's dive into how I turned my love for the ...
Donald Trump - Op-Ed
I used to be the king of the deal, folks. I built towers, I owned casinos, and I even had a reality TV show where I fired people left and right. But now, I'm the king of the streets, living the life of a homeless man. Let me tell you, it's not easy being down and out, but I'm still making deals, jus ...
Mark Zuckerberg - Op-Ed
Hello, it's me, Mark Zuckerberg. You might know me as the guy who's not a lizard, despite what some conspiracy theorists might claim. Today, I'm here to share my journey from a college kid with a dream to the CEO of a company that's changing the world, one post at a time. And yes, I promise, no liza ...
George Soros - Op-Ed
The Empire Strikes Back... at Wall Street As I sit in my office, surrounded by the trappings of my financial empire, I often find myself pondering the parallels between my life and that of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. You see, I, George Soros, have long harbored a dream to not just inf ...
Steve Jobs - Op-Ed
In the world of technology, we've revolutionized countless industries. From personal computing to mobile phones, we've disrupted the status quo and brought innovation to the masses. But there's one area where innovation is desperately needed, and it's closer to home than you might think: parenthood. ...
Mario - Op-Ed
The Plumber's Endless Pursuit Let's face it, folks, I, Mario, have been chasing after Princess Peach longer than most people have been chasing their dreams. And what do I get for my troubles? A damsel who treats me like I'm the last mushroom in the garden. It's like I'm stuck in the ultimat ...
Elon Musk - Op-Ed
Greetings from Mars! Elon Musk here, still waiting for the rest of you to arrive. While I'm up here, I've been dreaming up some cutting-edge, realistic tech for your dogs back on Earth. These inventions are not only technically sophisticated but also poised to revolutionize the pet industry. Let's e ...